self-indulgence helps better than self-harm. long, hot hot bath, steam surrounding me, tons of magnolia-scented bubbles floating into the air and popping over my knees. stayed in for about 45 minutes, soaping up, exfoliating, moisturising, dreaming about being 70lbs. tried to scrub my scars on my arms away, tried to forget that i ever cut, that i ever did that to myself. picked up the razor to shave my legs and aimed it right on my arm.

turned my arm over and saw the harsh, deep slit from months ago, over the beautiful green-blue live-wire veins.

i just got my AS results. a reminder: i was predicted the first ever grade C in ENGLISH LIT in my life, so i put my head down on the desk every lesson since september. i turned in a page of coursework and slept through the exams.

I got a C.

History: predicted an A: studied until my brain almost fell out of my skull.

I got a D.

Philosophy: something i was considering studying in University. predicted an A. got high grades consistently all through the year.

I got a U.

[my dad: what's a U?

my mum: .. *looks at me* .. it's.. unclassified.]

i'm going to go cry and cut now. and purge. if i can. and cut.

2002-08-21 - 1:45 p.m.
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