listening to jetplane landing. they rock.
sigh. what a week. college from wednesday. tiring enough. work at the indian last night after being at college all day - was exhausted. today, started work at mcdonalds at 11am, finished at 4pm, then at 5:30 i went to work at the indian, and finished at 9:30.

my mother is beginning to annoy me.

forwhy? i need control. if i feel that someone is encroaching on my control or stepping on it whatsoever, i get a really panicky feeling inside and i get all stressed and have to rearrange things to calm myself down.

[i know i'm weird.]

but yeah. so i decided what A Levels i was going to do this year [i still haven't gotten over what that girl shona said in my guestbook - why does meanness from strangers upset me? random meanness has no point, i suppose, and that's why it gets me. the fact is, i wrote an entry where i, in my head, finally stood up for myself to my sister and got all arrogant... and was consequently squashed.] i decided i'd have two jobs. i decided i'd fast.

for example, i thought 'i'll get myself an extra shift at mcdonalds on sunday, so i won't have to eat that day', right? so my parents have just moved 'big family meal' time around to when i'll be home from work. i said i would *not* be up to eating a heeowge meal after working all day, and that i'd fix myself something, annoyed that my family are so food-orientated that they plan the next day's dinners. jesus. so then my mum said something really fantastic - i think so, anyway, because it's so insightful in an unintentional way: -
'when you get a full time job, you'll never eat then, either!'
um. the word 'duh' springs to mind [boinggg] - [is 'duh' a word?].

i have a history essay to do for.. history.. *slaps self*, i have to read three books for english literature plus sylvia plath poetry from 'ariel', and i've split it up into do-able chunks to do this week in my free periods, on the bus to-and-from college [i spent an hour each way on the bus, perfect for reading] and of course, after college. i'm more than set. i'm so organised, even my brain cells are bullet-pointed.

i made the mistake of telling my mother about my history essay. ever since then, she's been saying,
'well.. jenny *wince* you're going to have to make a choice.. to get that essay done, you're going to have to quit a job, i don't want your homework suffering, when are you going to do it? i'm only thinking of you.. have you had breakfast?'

i know it's nasty to whine.

wait a minute, this is my whining space. i can't do it anywhere else. hee.

i know she gave birth to me, via that cesarean thing which i can't spell, ignorant bint that i am - and watched over me in an incubator for 2 months, and clothed me and fed me and gave me a bed to sleep in..
but the most important maternal gesture she could give right now would be to recognise my itchy need for control at all times. not just a little control, not control of 'most' of my life.