| tired and empty. |
[i just wrote an entry and was promptly rebooted by my own computer. i reprimanded it a few times. with my fist.]
it appears i got it all terribly wrong with audrea. i don't want rid of her. i loves her, she's me lil girlie hehehe. the only person i want rid of is... me.. depression is a selfish illness. [i shall call it an illness because no one can feel healthy this way]. it alienates anyone you ever cared about until you're utterly alone. if you didn't have any reason for generic misery at the beginning, you will by the end; and the end is always accompanied by too many sleeping pills and the bottom of a vodka bottle. you push everyone away. it's a selfish illness. selfish in that you'll do anything to save other people from yourself. depression sits in your mirror and tells you that it's better to get rid than hurt anyone who ever loved you. so you hurt anyone who ever loved you by getting rid of them. not even your soulmate can save you when you're so self-destructive, you can't even save yourself. you either can't sleep or can't stay awake; and you drag yourself around like a corpse; bent on destruction. wanting it all to end. it's impossible, and it suffocates you. it eats away at anything you had left to give you a reason to breathe. until there's nothing. i hope i've still got a reason to breathe. because that's the only thing i have left. hope.
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