weee. good song.

soup day. bit of a charade. ate half a piece of a piece of a bread roll, but 'carbs are baaad' was going around my head circularly so i stopped. left my sister with her bowl of soup and even bigger basket of bread, meant for both of us.

it's almost half-past nine, and i still haven't done that english essay. i just can't. i'm too scared. i know i won't get an A. and there'll be eleanor on one side bouncing around all tall and slim and purdee and 'ooh. another A. *is* there any other grade, or does everyone get this?'
me: *banging head repeatedly on desk until blood starts seeping out of my eyeballs* - *ewww*

luckily, i'll have fee there, keeping me sane. of course, she'll get an A+, but she'll just sit there like nothing happened, and even though i'm happy for her whilst thinking "aaaaaaaaargh i must kill eleanor" i guess i'll feel all sandwiched between the small and tiny and the large and skinny.

no wonder i feel like an elephant.

a BIG elephant.

[don't even *mention* the floppy ears.]

and i can't *believe* hamilton said to me,
'ooh. so where are you working now, then? you're not still in the college, are you? you failed? yes?'
me: *inner walls crumble.. becomes a mess... inside..* 'um. no, i didn't fail, i'm still at college, sir.'
hamilton: *shocked, puzzled and dumbfounded - can obviously not understand how this miracle of the splendid universe could have occured. expects to see a random meteorite sprout out of the top of my head. or maybe an apple tree* 'oh. oh. oh. okay. uh...'

die die die die you big, fat, hairy mammoth man. else i'll bitchslap your hairy ass right out of the cosmos you overeducated big ball of FLUFF.

that said, for some reason, an image of him showering naked flashed into my head and i almost retched. why does my mind do this to me? why? why?

going to stop cutting. tried on some tights earlier, but you can see the cuts straight through. can't wear short-sleeved tops without feeling conspicuous. i've ruined what was an already ugly canvas and turned it into wasteland.

anyway.

i'm keeping an eye on fee's cheekbones. when we were at emma's, she showed us pics of when she was, 'THIN' [she's very thin now] and to be honest, there was no difference. . . i'm sort of... scared.

i'm so frightened of doing my english essay that i might just cry. god damn, get yourself together girl!!!!!

fat wench.

african slave woman.

gr.

i'm self-involved. very. and also mentally challenged.

[petrified of my own limbs right now; every time i look at them, they get bigger, and fatter.]

slicin' time. but where?

my face? too obvious.
my arms? maybe. risky.
my legs? they just don't bleed enough, people. it's my blood. BLEED, DAMMIT!
see.

i said i was self-involved. although lucy said it first.

[she's always been the nice little itchy reminder of reality.]

oh. i haven't done that UCAS thing. oh. well. haven't heard back from the army, but i don't want to join... i'm just scared.

this entry was pointless.

please, someone, stab me. make this go away.

thankies.

2002-09-16 - 8:54 p.m.
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