ouch i just rubbed my eye - forgetting that i had curry spice on my fingers from work - ouch. wow. its making me all sniffly and OW. [yes. i *did* just do it again. i'm so STUPID.]

tired. work was hellish tonight. i couldn't find a top with sleeves long enough to cover my cuts, so i just had to pretend they weren't there. i wish i *had* cut for attention, like my doctor said; but i don't cut for attention. i do it because i hate the body i'm trapped in. i hate the mind i'm lumped with. i hate the whole package.

being fat is only a small part of it. when i finally get skinny, i'll still be fat and ugly, and stupid. that's never going to change. i'm going to be less-than-average intelligence for the rest of my *life*.

trapped within the limitations of my own mind. judged because my life is one big stupidity leak. patronised. ignored. blessed with enough ignorance to never *really* understand why people hate me, but not blessed with enough ignorance so that i don't even notice.

that'd be nice.

to be anything other than fucking average for one day in my life. *sigh*.

jack came out of hospital yesterday. they finally took out his cancerous kidney. close call. he's a wreck. but at least he's alive.

self-pitying thoughts occupy my time these days; parents asking me what i want to do for my 18th birthday. i said i wouldnt want a party.

as always, what is not said is more important than what is.

because we all know, ladies and gentlemen, that i only have one friend now. some party.

some life.

2002-09-20 - 11:04 p.m.
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