just sat and talked with my parents about possibly getting a job in helmsly and sleeping on fee's couch once a week or maybe a weeked, if she didn't mind. The Mother's eyes gleamed.
"so that means you'll be moving out, then?"
me: "i'll still be here during the week.."
t.m: well... you never do anything around here. we're at *work* during the week. you do nothing. you might as well move out."
me: "i'm at college during the week!!"
t.m: "that doesn't really count. do you think it does?!"
me: "yes, actually, i do."
(Dad: *in background sniggering to self whilst rolling another fag*)
me: "well... what do you want me to do?"
t.m: "*glares at me* what do you think?!"

she put me on a diet to slowly starve. she knows i'd do that anyway. forces me to eat huge amounts of food so my stomach hurts after shrinking it on her dietry requirements. lulls me into false security by being nice to me once a week. i go crazy, fall over myself trying to make her really like me, love me, hug me. feel so desparate for my own fucking *MOTHER* to love me. not worth anything. not deserving of anything. food, water, blades, blood, life, anything. especially not love. never love. not worth *anything*. cant rely on my friends to get me out of this one. all alone. what am i going to do? at the end of the last college year, i spent a couple of weeks travelling from friend's house to friend's house. i can't do that again, just because my parents are being really horrible. i have to find something. i just want to cry!! why does she hate me so much? why does she? what did i do? why?!

i don't even feel deserving enough to *cut* right now. i'm nothing. i can't believe i *ate* today.

i should go purge.

2002-09-22 - 1:37 p.m.
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