i should've known that wearing a skirt and taking my linkin park cd in my discman would be a bad thing. i got on the bus to go home after a crap day on the verge of tears and some guys from the bus next to me, two of them, looked at me, and said something to each other, and looked back at me, and pissed themselves laughing, then they told the row behind them. and they started laughing. pretty soon 4-5 rows were pissing themselves.

i did feel vaguely attractive until that happened, and i saw my reflection look sadly at me from the glass. i saw deep in my eyes, and my reflection blurred around the edges. pretty soon, we were both crying, the silent kind of crying, the kind reserved for the pathetic among us who are so stupidly sensitive that they are crushed when 10-15 people start laughing about them.

i also had a fit in the shower this morning. i haven't had one for 6 months, so it came as a bit of a surprise. i went blind and started shaking out of control, my limbs bouncing around like raggedy anne, i could hear the vague sound of my elbows bashing into the wall and knocking over bottles and the water rushing, but it sounded so far away. i couldn't do anything. it's like i was there, but imprisoned, and trapped. it was awful. i didn't tell mum about this one, either. she'd go absolutely insane. especially when it just comes out of nowhere. it didn't last long - 3-5 minutes, i think, i'm not sure. after, i picked myself up off the floor and tried to wash my hair. cried a bit.

sigh. lets make the subject less close to home.

i like linkin park - their cd is put together well - there is not a song i dislike. they may have been written off as nu-metal, or whatever, and no one i know likes them, but that's okay - it's my ears that are being forced to listen to them.

not since i was a bullied 9-year old have any of my friends liked any music i was in to. not necessarily a bad thing, but i could never find a friend who'd go to a music concert with me, who'd listen to my cd collection and nod and say,
'yeah, that's good, i like that'.
just the same, and i don't expect medals for this, i've always been able to appreciate a wide range of music, and at least act like i liked it in the company of certain groups. i always try and lend people cds of bands like Live and Vast because i really like their music, but very few people like them, and give me my cds back with a distasteful look on their faces. i wish i understood music. i mean, the subliminal side of it. what makes one person hear lyrics and feel a cold chill to their inner core, and another person hear the same lyrics and chuck the cd on a bonfire?

i suppose i always feel bereft when i lend my cds with the best songs on, with messages that touch me deeply, and they come back accompanied with pained looks. there seems to be a gap in understanding between us, from then on. music is my world.

talking of music, i'm going to see jetplanelanding on wednesday. i don't know if it's all one word, but i'm writing it like that, so there. fee has backstage passes - she's a 'special guest' so she's dragging me along and we're going to get thoroughly drunk on free drinky. should be a laugh. i am very uncomfortable about the fact that i will be skint for the rest of the week, but i think i'll manage. heh.

i think i might wear jeans tomorrow. i don't know. it could happen.

i never wear jeans.

2002-09-30 - 7:39 p.m.
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