i'm falling apart again. i haven't cut for about 2 months, but my eating is bad again. i'm binging and purging today. so bad.

so unacceptable, you'd rather i starved myself, and was small and elfin, wouldn't you - well, fuck you.

to say my birthday was on tuesday and i'm finally 18, you'd have thought i was too grown up for this teenage melodrama. i'm worse. and i've just remained as bad as i was last year. but i can't seem to take anything anymore, i've become as nice as i can be, i don't confront people, i don't argue back, i take all the shit i get cos i know if i didn't i'd have no one left, no one likes fat + ugly people so i have to make a special effort and it doesnt make a damn bit of difference, all ive done is lower my tolerance to nasty people cos they will be horrible whether i am alive or not and its just a mess.

hanging on by a thread.

coming home this week was such a bad mistake, but i needed it. i was so afraid that i was slipping back into my binging/purging days and that i was going to start cutting, and i thought i'd come home and get hugs off my family and everything would be okay because i could talk to my mum about everything. but. no. i tried to speak but i couldn't.

and my sister has been fucking horrible to me every night i've been home - on monday, she was a complete bitch and i said she hated me and she laughed like she knew and i knew it was true, on tuesday (my birthday) she talked about me to her b/f on her phone when i was there sayin i was being a depressive wreck or whatever as usual, which fucked me right off considering how hard i've been working to try and recover from all that crap - and fee was sat right there near me so i felt like a right twat, like yes, this is my supportive background. wednesday, i said 'that's nice!' when she said 'miss you' to her b/f and hung up on him and she raged at me how it was none of my business, it was her life, her life had nothing to do with me (it sounds like a 13-year old's 'waaaa' phase but she actually meant it and she's 19+1/2) which really hurt cos i am supposed to be a part of her life, i am her sister for fucks sake. then tonight i cant remember what i did but she just exploded and got mum involved and bless her she didnt know what to do, so she stayed neutral, but that wasnt good enough for becky, so then my mum was frosty with me in front of becky to either pacify becky or show me that i had pissed her off just by being there and aggravating her daughter.

i only come home because i need the company, i need people around me or im going to spend my time fucking hacking myself to bits and instead i come home and get given reasons to hate myself because im alive and come and write about it on here and cry.

i really really hate myself viciously these days.

everything is such a mess! im so sad because everything is such a mess and my head is so busy i cant seem to untangle the threads, im out of control

.

and i need to buy some blades to deal with this pressure.

everyone at college thinks im so thick and so stupid. thats not true. i get crap grades now but a few years ago i got the same grades as no one, i was top of science and english departments at high school. i wrote somethin in the jetplanelanding messageboard last night and everyone was sayin how long it mustve taken me to think over it, actually no it took me about three seconds, yes im fat and ugly but sometimes my brain does work you know!! fuckers.

safe to say im not going to uni. with this AS / A2 system u apply with ur AS grades and fuck me i was on prozac last fucking year people and cutting myself and i totally failed and then they expect you to recover from depression and pull yourself up when you try and pay for resits and everythings great but no it isnt really cos yer still fucking applying to uni with the grades from AS when you were on prozac and cutting!!!!

so what is the fucking point anymore, i don't fucking get it!

i really dont care n e more.

i do but if i care, people can get me for it.

cos when ur thick ugly and fat, ur not supposed to care about anything.

fuck you all. im going to get thin. and im going to quit college after my resits so i might have something to go away with. and then im going to work at kfc and look for a good real job during the day and take a lot of pills.

and cut myself so much cos lacerated limbs fall off easily

i hate myself.

nothin new there then.

2002-11-07 - 7:07 p.m.
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