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nickelback - just for (on repeat)
bit of a wierd day. i feel really guilty about the whole thing with fee. she has some misadventured idea that i fell out with her over a guy; that's not true. what's worse is she's told everyone that, and the only people left standing are: lupea, who was my friend right from the start anyway, and aluin, who is friends with everyone. if a girl who was generally unliked fell out with a severely popular girl at college because of a guy, *i* would hate her too. god, yes. this lonely week has been beneficial. i've lost weight, spent my lunch hours doing college work so that i have no homework when i'm at home (i'm at home, i love home!) and found out who my real friends are. it hurts to think that fee would assume the reason i have cut off contact is over the boy. yes, i was very hurt when she and keiron pissed themselves and almost totalled themselves laughing when i said i had pulled. but that's a minor thing, really. i had already been thinking that doug was only kissing me because he felt sorry for me, and i had already been considering finishing off the scars on my wrists when i got home, in the bathroom. it was the final straw. but she can't see inside my head. she said 'you pulled! what was his name?' and i said 'doug', and it was the *name* that her and keiron found so piss funny, not the fact that i had managed to pull. i hope to god, anyway. i really do. anyway. it's much easier to fast without her as a friend. but i do miss her very much. i am on the brink of emailing her to tell her, but i imagine that she would not understand. it is because i am tall and fat. if i was small and pretty like vicki, she would like me as a person. she would call me perfect too. as it is, her close friends were me and emma, now it's just emma; emma isn't slim nor is she cute and little. i am not slim nor am i cute and little. and lorna, her bestest friend (why is it that i wasn't born with a friend ready made like all these people here were? so i moved around a lot. kill me.) is really cute as i can tell from her pictures, and she probably thinks she's perfect. anyway. for some reason, since i cruelly said 'rar rar i don't wanna be your friend no mores', i've really listened to her talking to people, and she's come out of her shell. she is no longer defensive. she is no longer icy cold. she is not retreating into the corner. she's nice. the truth is, i could never fast when fee was around, because i'd worry her, and i think the general attitude to fat people who fast is 'oh, at least get a *worthwhile* dream'. when i am small and my jawbone sticks out like it did last year when i am 112lbs (8 stone) on christmas day when i finally start getting Bs on my english essays . when i die . i will finally be good enough. |
