i'm so angry. for god's sake.

day 1 went fine, 32 days left, that is background to real life now.

i came home again tonight. we were sat drinking coffee at the table tonight and smoking - my family rules in the health division and no doubt will look even cooler with my ribs sticking out - and talking about who was going to drive me back to york tomorrow, and when.

obviously, it is my mother's birthday weekend and i felt wary about coming home because i knew it was going to knock her plans sideways, her plans including redecorating my room since i don't live here anymore.

i'm sure you don't see any reason for me to feel sensitive in that paragraph, do you? i do. see? i'm a fool. anyway.

so i was like 'you want to leave before 10, yeah? half nine, okayyyyy' and my sister yelled from the kitchen,

'well it's her birthday, you can't just up and decide when you want to come home for god's sake, expecting everyone to drop everything..' and more of the same.

i'm sure you don't see any reason for me to feel hypersensitive now. i do. i'm a fool.

i cried.

at the table.

into my coffee.

and when my mum got up to give me a hug and 'shhh'ed me in a very maternal way which only goes to make someone like me get great huge choking sobs because it hurts so much that someone would hug me like that - i know, i'm a fool, we've gone over this - so my sister stepped in and said,

'oh, you can't pull that sympathy card every time, for god's sake'.

she's so mean sometimes.

that made me even more determined to lose all this weight and turn up at home - i've decided to get the train home and walk home from the station, be all matyrish - in my small jeans and my rib-hugging t-shirt and boots - just to go, there, see, i am perfect, i don't NEED you.

i'm slowly whittling away my 'friends'.

fee's gone. she's moving to ireland, apparantly. i 'fell out' with her so i could continue slowly killing myself without her kindly stopping me. something major happened to her before i did that, her best friend had time to come all the way down from edinburgh and fee still didn't tell me.

i am not bothered by that.

honestly.

elle's gone. elle was never there. i do not like her. she's got a stick up her arse, that's for sure, s'a bloody miracle she can even walk.

aluin's gone. he didn't really count. he's good for hugging you all the time and being really nice, but you never have his full attention. he is always flitting from girl to girl.

in other news, i'm applying for a job in tesco next week.

kfc is fine, but not when you're doing a month fast, and anyway, it's so HARD, i don't recover from work til wednesday and that is not good at all.

because of fasting, i am able to reorganise my life completely. not too organised, i like a bit of movement within the lines.

5:40am: take diet pill.
6:00: get up for 5mile run.
8:00: leave for college.
8:25: print out any college work. geek.
12:30pm/1:30pm: lunch. smoke fag. smoke many fags. do work, drink water and sit around outside away from people who want to buy food.
end of lunch hour: take diet pill. hop.
4:00: fag, diet pill, bottled water, bottled social skills and a trek to the other site. find secluded computer, type up topic of any particular unit. print out. do any other college work that can be arsed to do without brain imploding on itself.
8:00: check email. check ana groups. check lucy. get away with downloading msn messenger without being kicked out by Mean Nasty LRC Men. thinspire. be thinspired.
9:00: fag, diet pill, bottled water and a trek home.
9:25: fag, bottled water. write in diary, pee. check tv guide. if necessary, go on playstation until fag time.
10:00: last fag.
10:10pm: bed time.
10:20: seriously. get. into. bed.
10:30: have fag. out of window. in pjs. burn house down.
10:40: congratulate self on a day well done.

.

well, you get the idea.

must pee.

2002-11-22 - 8:46 p.m.
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