| hell. is a place on earth. |
on thursday, i did something stupid:
i took over 30 paracetamol. after about an hour, at 7pm my face went numb, my limbs went slack, and i passed out on the floor. i woke up when the alarm went off on friday morning at 8am, and showered, dressed, and went to college. i felt so sick, and dead. my psychology teacher stared at me the entire lesson; i looked, and felt, grey. i bought crisps because i needed something salty to settle the sickness in my stomach, and binged on three bags, before leaving college to go home. when i got in, i was severely sick - not of my own accord - mostly what came up was blood and white foam, obviously bits of crisps lol - i bet you're glad i mentioned that. i was so shocked. the blood wouldn't stop coming up. i collapsed on the floor in the bathroom and came around half an hour later to throw up more blood and white foam. i walked the 3 miles to work, but realised i could barely stand, let alone work, so i walked 3 miles home and spent the evening in bed watching celebrity big brother and crawling to the bathroom to throw up. then, at 12:03am, everything felt really quiet, and still, and i thought 'this is it, i'm going to die' and then i passed out. unfortunately, on saturday, i fucking WOKE UP so i went to kwik-save to buy my weekly shopping - on a fucking budget of £1.80 - and i guess the goods i put in my basket must have exceeded £1.80 (i think the total was £1.85 or something) and my card was declined by the machine. i was still in a fog, but so embarrassed that i just left. you can all fuck right the way off. anyway. i did my shopping on monday with fee and aluin, bought bread and noodles and things, so hopefully i can have food til friday. i know i'm supposed to be fasting, but i just stopped. hee. i'm a failure. so what else is new? i think i'm going to break my only razor and use the blade. my mum bought me an advent calendar apparantly, my dad told me when he called me yesterday. that hurt so much. i love them both, and wish that i could have a hug from them now. i'm so lonely without them. i'm empty. and i need to go home to binge and purge. thank you for your time. |
