| there's only one thing you should know... |
linkin park - points of authority
jono asked me out last night. shock. we knew it was going to happen. he makes me feel so old, he reminds me of someone i really am, underneath; depressed, lonely, defensive, needy. he reminds me of last year, how bad last year was. all the suicide attempts and the cutting and the prozac-soaked moments spent sleeping in the bathtub. i didn't say yes. i ignored it. i'm not single, and if i was, i'd say no. it's taken a lot of hard work to get to a place where i can step out of life and laugh at things. i still go down and out. i still cut. i still go crazy. but i'm in control now. before, i was completely bottomed. i had nothing left. i've had to scratch and claw my way all the way back up to the surface of civilisation. like i fell through the gap created by an earth quake and there was no one left but me. he's trying to take me down with him. selfishly, i have to stop this before it begins. i failed last year because of it. i can't fail this year. i will help him as far as i can, but that's as far. his depression is different from mine; mine is fed continuously by my own self-hatred and society's 'please-go-away-why-are-you-even-here?-let-alone-alive' attitude to me. his is fed by self-inflicted loneliness. he thinks he's quite cool. no seriously. it's not a front, his ego goes way down. it's like.. get a room. jesus. he will be okay. it's not a phase, but it can be beaten, with enough strength, and strength comes with time and misery. oh wow, i'm so uplifting. i've had to cope. now he can. i've had to learn how to support myself. my friends are of no support to me. they make me feel worse. they make me want to die. they make me want to kill myself. over and over and over. they make me feel fat and huge, like an elephant. they love themselves, they think they're the only one with a problem, they're constantly mean and if i slip up and get an edge to my tone then i am immediately told 'don't be mean!!!!' oh fuck off, bite me. i mean all of you. i've had it up to here. *points to ceiling*. i just want to escape all of you. granted, i have a few good friends, but the rest are absolutely SHITTY. you don't know who you are. i won't tell you. there's no need to. you can just go around in your own little world loving yourself and acting up. you should have enough respect for everyone and yourself to stop acting up for attention. if you can't stop doing it, that's your problem. me? i couldn't care less. I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!
i need new friends. |
