| how quiet it is all alone. |
i've spent a long time working on being crazy. it's not just a hobby, you know.
what good is it to me to be able to articulate? you ask me to articulate tomorrow and you shall find me a grave woman. you can't say that i can articulate, and that you can write, and expect me to be happy. do i want to be a public speaker? i know you look at me. i know you look at me. i see you looking at me. i'm not completely stupid. i know that you look at me. but what you see is not what i am. somewhere between what my brain transmits as my body and mind image conclusion of a person, your mind picks up on something completely different. you know that i get bad grades. you listen to me day after day, trying to tell myself that really, it'll be alright in the end. my brain will pick itself up, dust itself off, and set the world to rights. everything will be fine. you don't believe it, though. here's a little secret: neither do i. i know that, by genetics, i am stupid. my parents are not brain surgeons. we don't have published writers in the family. no scientists. all dropouts. so you think you know something i dont. get in line. -------------------------------------- natural selection is a bitch. -------------------------------------- my favourite foods are apples and vanilla icecream. my favourite sad song is garbage - you look so fine. riot girl music. my favourite happy song is the bends - radiohead. beautiful music. my favourite band is U2. my favourite thing is my cat. he's dead. my favourite colour is pink. pink and purple and red. colours of life. and death. hues and blues and dark murky waters. i've had it up to the top of the water where the air sits. my mouth faces downwards towards the plug hole whilst the air sits on top of the water. and i've had it up to there. natural selection sucks. one day, i'll have the courage to make this gene die out. how do you get people to listen to stop to care you spend so long making yourself crazy just so they'll lock you up you cut yourself half bleed to death starve yourself almost die puking your guts up drug yourself collapse on the lawn and wake yourself up drag yourself to bed no one there to wonder if you come around you could sleep for a few days and no one would notice you could sleep for a week and they'd move you for a minute then theyd notice then theyd see then theyd wish theyd put you away but you see they couldnt afford it anyway and here youve been so solidly working to make yourself crazy and they cant even afford to support you in your crazy but it doesnt matter because no one noticed anyway. and she's just off on another one so what does it matter. because we didnt notice the last one and what would it have done if we had noticed it when all she notices is how she tries not to notice anything herself. and i'm just a little bit concerned by the square that moved on my bedroom wall. that's all. and she can't be cracking up. because she's listening to linkin park. right. right. right. right. right. you were never there. YOU WERE NEVER THERE. YOU WERE NEVER THERE. YOU WERE NEVER THERE. YOU WERE NEVER THERE. YOU WERE NEVER THERE. YOU WERE NEVER THERE. YOU WERE NEVER THERE. YOU WERE NEVER THERE.YOU WERE NEVER THERE. YOU WERE NEVER THERE. YOU WERE NEVER THERE. YOU WERE NEVER THERE. YOU WERE NEVER THERE. YOU WERE NEVER THERE. YOU WERE NEVER THERE. YOU WERE NEVER THERE. YOU WERE NEVER THERE. YOU WERE NEVER THERE. YOU WERE NEVER THERE. YOU WERE NEVER THERE. YOU WERE NEVER THERE. YOU WERE NEVER THERE. YOU WERE NEVER THERE. YOU WERE NEVER THERE.YOU WERE NEVER THERE. YOU WERE NEVER THERE. YOU WERE NEVER THERE. YOU WERE NEVER THERE. YOU WERE NEVER THERE. YOU WERE NEVER THERE. YOU WERE NEVER THERE. YOU WERE NEVER THERE. YOU WERE NEVER THERE. YOU WERE NEVER THERE. YOU WERE NEVER THERE. YOU WERE NEVER THERE. YOU WERE NEVER THERE. YOU WERE NEVER THERE. YOU WERE NEVER THERE. YOU WERE NEVER THERE.YOU WERE NEVER THERE. YOU WERE NEVER THERE. YOU WERE NEVER THERE. YOU WERE NEVER THERE. YOU WERE NEVER THERE. YOU WERE NEVER THERE. YOU WERE NEVER THERE. YOU WERE NEVER THERE. NEVER. YOU WERE NEVER THERE. EVER. NEVER. NEVER THERE. EVER. YOU WERE NEVER THERE. YOU REFUSED TO BE THERE. YOU DID EVERYTHING YOU COULD TO AVOID BEING THERE FOR ME, FOR US, FOR HER, FOR YOU, FOR HIM, FOR IT, FOR EVERY HE SHE IT SHE YOU THEY SPAT ON AND WALKED OVER YOU WATCHED FROM THE BUS STOP AND YOU STOOD IN THE RAIN AND YOU DIDN'T OPEN YOUR UMBRELLA. BECAUSE. LIKE A CORPSE. LIKE A HUMAN BEING. LIKE AN ORGANISM. LIKE A SPIRIT. LIKE A GHOST. A CREATURE. A BEAST. A YOU WERE NEVER THERE.
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