tonight's a mixture of massive attack, air, zero 7, sneaker pimps and everything but the girl.

i really want a job where i can do soundtracks for films and stuff. i think i'd be good at that.

but then, you have to have some sort of music degree to do that.

um.

its an idea.

the idea of me being good at anything is actually laughable. so, best not do anything about it.

dont know what im going to do about college. as far as their essays are concerned, i dont want to do them. i cant do them. it's a case of too much hard work that i can't do. that's never going to change.

i think i'll tell my teachers that i have depression, or someone died.

both the truth.

i should have told them a long time ago. but i couldnt. and now its too late.

i really dont know what to do.

as a side note. some forums i belong to bring me down sometimes, cos other girls on there - fee and sarah - seem to manipulate people. i am completely honest but i guess too nice, or opinionated, or something, so no one likes me. it's really getting me down, which is stupid, cos its only online forums right? but fee is loved by everyone n good at everything n it makes me resentful sometimes. thats a bit mean, i know. it's the truth.

everyone at college thinks i'm a big fat elephant woman, and that's also bringing me down.

it's another 'i really want to die' moment, brought to you by jen.

ach.

i need to get of college. i need to get out fullstop. i need to escape.

i need a friend. oh well. you cant have everything.

ive been thinking about jezza and lucy a lot today. i dont know why. punish myself, or something. theres still a bit of me that wants to say it was all jezza, cos thats the truth, and i feel like i was never believed. i know why. i am as ugly as sin, literally. he was very very drunk, though.

sigh.

this year could have been so different.

i would not have been happy, whatever had happened.

im just worried about september. im really worried. and the fact that i cant talk to people about why im worried tells you the reason for my worrying.

ive already decided im gonna spend my evenings with my headphones on, pilled up or smoking pot. but

im worried i wont be able to help darren with the bills. im worried i wont be able to pay my own way. im worried ill get so sad and kill myself and no one will notice. and im worried that i wont care about their bills and kill myself and leave them with nothing.

im worried that i am already nothing.

they all have affection and love and history. i have none of the above with any of them. that frightens me. im a very dependent person.

maybe im being unfair, i probably am. i want to move in with them, but. i dont want to be lonely and suicidal in a group of 5. thats the worst thing.

argh. oh no. its really gonna suck. theyre gonna hate me. fee says me and seaneen will argue all the time, and fee, rachel + darren adore seaneen and cry whenever she leaves. [no one cries when i leave.]

fee and seaneen are so close its unbelievable. fee and darren are mirror images, soul-wise. darren and rachel are in the will-they-wont-they lane constantly. they're all interlinked.

ive been fee's day companion for a year.

i like darren and rachel and fee. seaneen, i don't know, and she has locked topics i've been the dominant one in, which is just plain up-her-own-arse.

i dont know. its quite upsetting actually. im so sick of being ugly and invisible and stupid. at home, i dont want to be that. i mean, i want to move in with them, but maybe if im someone else by then, itll work.

hey, im on a diet. hopefully ill weigh less than them by september. i should weigh less than them by may, definitely.

at least then, ill be elephant girl, skinny.

i want them to like me, so much. i crave it so much it hurts. but i dont think theyre people like me. dependent. i need hugs. i need attention. i need .. something. im afraid i wont be good enough and ill vanish. an empty face in a crowd. oh god.

btw fee if you read this, though i dont think you read this anymore, sorry if any of it is harsh. you know im more candid than kodak, n whatever ive said that annoys/hurts you is probably out of lack of knowledge of all four of you than malice. though i am a bitch too, obviously.

its just musings.

somedays i could go insane...

2003-03-16 - 8:59 p.m.
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